Packing

Lately, I have this anxious feeling. It's like I'm about to miss a flight—spending too much time packing, rushing around making sure I pack all the right things for my trip to the future. Meanwhile, I never actually board the plane because I can't pack perfectly. 

This reminds me of a trip my friends and I made while studying abroad in Costa Rica. We set out to hike the highest peak in the country, Cerro Chirripo. We were grossly unprepared for this 22.5 mile 2-day hike. For one, we had spent most of our months in Costa Rica on the beach —we didn’t have much for warm clothes, hiking boots, or even food. Plus, we were simply not in shape for hiking. I have never huffed and puffed so hard in my life nor rolled my ankle so many times in 48 hours.

After hiking all day, we reached the base camp in the evening. My three friends and I all cuddled up close in our bunkbeds to keep warm. It took a great amount of group encouragement to get up at 1 am the next morning to reach the top before sunrise. Cold and worn out, we scaled the steep peak in the clouds, collapsing in the sleepy light of a brand new morning.

On the top of that mountain, it was all worth it. I had never seen so much beauty—the Caribbean sea and the Pacific ocean smiled back at us as we signed our names to the peak’s book of visitors.

This was my favorite weekend of my whole semester in Costa Rica. Not being prepared almost made it better. The camaraderie of fellow sufferers runs deep! My friends and I were bonded for life over this comedic memory of accomplishment. I think of the hilarity of us limping out of the bus station in San Jose. Usually the taxi drivers were yelling out at us, competing for our business. This time, the cab drivers just silently stared at our dirty faces as we slowly limped off the bus, leery of letting us in their cars! Had we waited until we had all we needed and got ourselves in proper shape, we never would have hiked the mountain. I would have missed one of the best weekends of my life.

This is the realization I’ve been needing. I have got to stop waiting until I have everything I need: until I craft the perfect words, have the perfect website, the right theology, earn enough money, or have the right things. Sometimes you just have to book the ticket and get on the bus.

My favorite theologian, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, speaks of the importance of a faith based on action in relation to obedience to God:

“Following Christ means taking certain steps…. a concrete commandment has to be obeyed in order to come to believe. A first step of obedience has to be taken, so that faith does not become pious self-deception, cheap grace. The first step of obedience has to lead Peter away from his nets and out of the boat; it has to lead the young man away from his wealth. Faith is possible only in this new state of existence created by obedience…Will people thus be led down the fatal path of belief in their own works? No, they will learn instead that their faith is not faith; they will be liberated from their entanglement with themselves. They have to get out in the FRESH AIR OF DECISION.”

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Discipleship

Bonhoeffer’s words are especially convicting lately. Like a fisherman that Jesus called, I have many nets to drop in order to follow him. One of them is the fear of perception. For a long time God has been calling me to share words He’s given me in private. I keep asking God to give me new revelation, but I’ve felt in my spirit God saying He won’t give more unless I’m willing to share. I have wanted to be obedient, but on my own terms; I wanted to drop my nets and follow him, but in my own time.

I often give myself impossible prerequisites for sharing my thoughts and revelations because I’m afraid of how I’ll be perceived. Kind of like when I was teaching: I felt like I needed to have an incalculable amount of literary knowledge before I could teach literature to my high schoolers. I thought I needed to know every word of the Spanish language before I could teach basic Spanish conversation. This led to me feeling extremely inadequate.

It’s the same way with writing. I know I need to write. My favorite thing in the world is sitting criss-cross apple sauce in silent meditation with a notebook and pen, waiting for God to whisper magic words of wisdom and peace. God wants me to stop hoarding what I hear. But I have been afraid. I put a chain of perfectionism on my writing, lock and key. Because of this my spiritual life has suffered and became stagnant like the Dead Sea–a sea with no outlets. But God doesn’t require us to be well read enough, or creative enough, or beautiful enough to share his message. He calls the unqualified. It’s taken me a long time to understand why I feel so spiritually stagnant. Bonhoeffer, rather rudely, told me in response this morning: “You are disobedient; you refuse to obey Christ; you desire to keep a piece of autonomy for yourself. You cannot hear Christ because you are disobedient; you cannot believe in grace, because you do not want to obey. You have hardened some corner of your heart against Christ’s call. Your trouble is your sin” (Discipleship). The only thing that holds me back from the kingdom of God is pride.

So I’m going to stop packing and start sharing, stop wasting time in miserable indecision and act. I hope that you too, can pick up the phone to the call God has on your life. The phone is ringing for each and every one of us spinning around the sun. Will you pick up the phone?