The Spanish healthquisition 

HEY. I spent a majority of the day recounting my sins in the purgatory tractor so I feel like confessing. One of the biggest sins I found I had done is lying. LYING. Let me explain this dent in character real fast.

When I first got home this summer I was falling asleep all the time, waking up screaming in my sleep from nightmares, and of course the ever- present allergy curse that has haunted me since womb expulsion. Naturally, my dad took me to a natural healer/nutritional therapist lady named Jeanine. (My dad is vehemently against doctors)  (my sister is in Med school? *wrist slap*) (he made me carry a glass water bottle to middle school before it was cool because plastic is toxic) ( put flax in my cereal) So Jeanine did a series of “muscle testing” on my mangey body by holding my arm up while putting viles of different chemicals and foods and testing for weaknesses with each. It sounds weird. It is weird. Long story short Jeanine said I had a chemical toxicity and took away beans (OH GOD NO) and gluten which I already knew is my own personal hell food. She also said I had a high body fat percentage and took away carbs and sugar. And I was like what the heckin heck Jeanine you’re overweight. So was the guy at the front desk! When your nutritional therapist is overweight you know you’re screwed.

That was kind of mean^ she is earnestly and I think effectively  trying to help me i think $$$. (Guilt rules my life)

But anyways, so apart of the program is taking all this homeopathic stuff and writing down everything I eat, Dream, think, and breath. This brings us to my great sin. I broke the bean and the gluten and the carb and pretty much every rule yesterday. I ploughed through McDonald’s but also Dairy Queen in the same day. And me, miserly wretched me, wrote down blatant flowering lies in my food journal like “kale salad” “grilled chicken” “3 prunes.” No mention of diabetes Dairy Queen blizzards or gluten infested GMO chicken nuggets. I lied about taking my vitamin B1’s too. I bet she knew it. I probably had that awful guilty dog that ate the baby look on my face.

In other news, don’t sit in the bed of a pickup with your mouth open. I accidentally ate a bug. Didn’t food journal it. I’m a heretic. I wonder how many grams of protein were in it? That was probably a sign to stop lying or stop talking all together.

lol get it. “Healthquisition” >>inquisition. That’s probably offensive. I love Catholics and protestants alike.